Most of you know about my kids, Palin and Tiegen. There are pictures of them plastered all over my Facebook and Instagram accounts. I mention the latest silly joke Tiegen told us or the funny little adventures of our two-year-old daughter.
Some of you, not all, know of my two older sons, Adam and Isaac. Adam, my oldest son is in the US Air Force, serving his country. My second son, Isaac, is becoming an accomplished young drummer as he finishes high school. He's full of energy and promise. Both are really great young men, of whom I am quite proud. I love them with all of my heart.
I don't post about my sons often because we don't talk much. You see, their mom and I divorced a long time ago, and I haven't been much of a part of their lives. I missed the sporting events, the band competitions, the school dramas, and even my oldest son's ASAF Basic Training graduation. I have a couple of pictures from Adam's high school graduation, which I was so excited to attend. I was stunned to find myself reaching up to hug my oldest son, and looking eye to eye with my younger one!
As I was looking at photos today, I noticed that I, as the photographer, am not in very many. I have tons of pictures of my wife and the kids, a few pictures of my Adam and Isaac... but I'm in very few. With Krystal and the little ones, the reason is common. I'm the one behind the camera. Therefore I'm rarely in the frame. With my older sons, I'm not in the picture because... I'm not in the picture.
I failed to be a part of my older sons' lives. I failed to know them the way I should. I failed to meet their friends. I failed to meet their girlfriends. I failed because... I failed.
I post about fatherhood on Facebook. People comment about what a great dad I am, and I feel like a fraud.
After a divorce, it's so easy to blame one's former partner. It's so easy to look outside oneself to try to justify the negative implications of one's actions. But, it's rarely accurate. Sure, a severed relationship always has two sides. Both husband and wife make choices that lead to the ultimate demise of the bond. In the marriage, both my former wife and I had our failures. We've each moved forward and tried to pick up the pieces and make better choices.
However, in the case of my sons, the only failure was mine. I should have never let any obstacle stop me from being in my sons' lives. I should have never lived more than a few minutes away. I should have been there. I should have told them daily how much I love them. I should have been their confidant. I should have... I should have...
But I didn't.
And as I look at the few pictures I have of my boys, without me, I shed bitter tears.
You see, because I failed, my sons grew up and became accustomed to living without me. It wasn't their choice, but it is a cold hard fact. My sons grew up calling another man Dad. He was there. He was in their world while I was hundreds of miles away wondering how they were doing. There was never a day I didn't think of them, but there were far too many days that passed without my reaching out to them.
And I realize that I'll never be in those pictures. The ones of the boys unwrapping Christmas presents in someone else's house. The one of them standing outside someone else's new car. I'll never be in those pictures because I wasn't even there. I wasn't there because of my own foolish choices.
And I also realize that I'll never really be in the picture. When I look at the photographs I see my conspicuous absence. However, the boys don't. You see, the people who were active parts of their lives were all there. Their mom, their step-dad, their maternal grandparents, uncles and aunts, friends... They were all there. I wasn't, because of my foolish choices.
And I live in the thick middle of regret. I live in a prison of my own making.
I'm so happy with my wife, my step-son and my daughter. I love them all so dearly. And yet, there are two gaping holes in my heart. I watch from afar as they enjoy their lives and grow into amazing men. I swell with pride at their talents and achievements, but I realize I played no part in them.
I'll never be in those photographs. Maybe, just maybe, I can be in some of the future ones.
Take a look at your life. Take a look at the people who hold you dear. Make sure you're in the photographs of your kids' lives by being in the picture.
God hates divorce for many reasons. One of the biggest is because of the innocent victims who suffer because of the choices of two people.
