On Being A Dad

I have two natural sons.  One born in 1994 and one in 1998.  These boys have grown into really impressive young men.  My oldest son has recently graduated high school.  He is preparing to leave for Air Force basic training where he'll begin a career serving our country.

My younger son is an accomplished drummer.  He's still in high school, where his people skills and personality are gaining him a lot of attention.  My sons are articulate, exceptionally smart, have great senses of humor, and are a lot of fun to be around.  I love these young men dearly.

My wife has a son who was born just before we started dating.  He is now five years old and he knows me as Daddy.  He's a talkative little guy whose dream is to be a superhero.  He says that his favorite superheroes are, in this order, the Incredible Hulk (because he has huge muscles), Jesus (because he's the strongest of them all), and me.  

My wife and I married last August.  She is a wonderful woman and a great mom.  She's done an amazing job with Tiegen, and we're very excited about the upcoming arrival of our daughter, Palin Nichole.  She should make her debut around November 13.

I recently got the opportunity to attend my oldest son's high school graduation.  It was the first time I'd seen Adam or Isaac in a very long time.  I'd like to be able to say that I had a major role in shaping these young men into the people they are today, but I can't.  I haven't been there for them as I should have.  Thinking of the time and distance between us tears my heart out.  I have longed for those boys every day since before they were born.  Being separated from them by an unpleasant divorce never altered that fact.  Anyone who is close to me knows that there are times when I would just withdraw into myself and sit in silence because I could think of nothing but my sons.  I'm so grateful for the opportunity to begin rebuilding the bridges that time and distance have eroded.  As I recently sat across a table from them in a restaurant, I see that these are fascinating young men who, even if I weren't their dad, I would want to get to know.  The depth of their thought processes and the warmth of their personalities move me.  There's a light inside them that draws people to them.

My high school reunion is this week, and I was asked to write a short autobiographical record of the past twenty-five years.  As I sat down at the computer and pondered where I've been and what I've done, the most vividly emotional moments were those spent with Adam, Isaac, and Tiegen.  Jobs I've had and places I've lived fade into nothingness next to the memories built with these three guys.  Going to a little northern Nevada county fair with Adam when he was very little, rolling down a grassy hill with Isaac in a park in Oregon, building a "fort" and a cannon for them in Alaska, and splashing in a little plastic pool with Tiegen on a hot summer day.  This is my highlight film.  I haven't always been the best dad.  I haven't been where I needed to be when I needed to be there.  But the love I have for my sons is beyond description.

In November, Palin Nichole Land will be born.  Once again I'll be blessed to carry one of my children with paternal pride and introduce her to the world.  Once again I'll get the joy of watching through new eyes of wonder as she discovers things we've long forgotten.  Once again I'll share the blessing of cuddling with my little one.  I long for that day, and fear it as well.

I don't deserve the blessings who call me Dad.  Adam, with his depth and compassion.  Isaac, with his humor and unnerving wisdom.  Tiegen, with his inquisitive mind and thoughtfulness.  And now, Palin, who won't call me anything for a while.  God has truly blessed me, and I am grateful beyond words.

"We Need To Teach Our Daughters..."

We've always heard that we live in a "male-dominated" society.  I suppose if you have an innate victim mentality that was, at one time, true.  Men held the highest paid jobs, and a hugely disparate percentage of the jobs in total.  Men had the purchasing power.  Men filled the governmental positions.

That was back in the early days of this country.  Largely, this started changing with World War I and World War II.  During those years, women were needed to fill the production positions left vacant by men who'd gone off to fight for their country.

Since then, women have slowly and steadily filled more and more positions in the workplace and in government.  In fact, some of the most powerful roles in our government are filled by women.  This is a day in which a woman who wants to achieve great things has all the opportunity she needs to do so.  We have a female Secretary of State, a female Surgeon General, Homeland Security Secretay, ninety Congressional posts, and the numbers are growing all the time.  Disparities in wages are often caused by faulty statistical schemes.  For example:  most surveys that claim a disparity in male/female incomes do not take into consideration maternity leave, the increased number of days off that women take as opposed to men, and so on.  

The fact is, we are all different.  We must be careful when we speak in generalities.  

One thing is obvious to the observant person:  over the past few decades, there has been a concerted effort in the media and in society to undermine masculinity in American society.  In almost every family portrayed in television or movies, the man is portrayed as clueless or tyrannical, or both.  The woman is always portrayed as the one with the common sense and intelligence.  Men are either the comical characters whose oafish blunders make us laugh uproariously at their expense, or as the morally depraved deviants whose inner corruption is rarely far from surfacing and destroying the poor female victim.

Don't take my word for it.  Look at what you watch and read with open eyes.  Pay attention to what you're putting into your mind.

It has seeped into every part of our lives.  Read your Facebook news feed.  Watch how many women post things like "We Need To Teach Our Daughters..." or "A Real Man..."

How often do you read "A Real Woman..." ?  

When I moved to Missouri, the church my mother attended had an adult Sunday School class for people my age.  They were running a series of videos by a famed Christian author whose specialty seems to be in relationship counseling.  Throughout that series, I observed something that had disturbed me for several years prior to that.  Whenever the speaker addressed the men, he instructed them to change their approach to make room for the more emotional way many women interpret the world.  When he addressed the women, he instructed them to "understand that men just don't get it."

We now live in a time in which it's almost considered a bad thing to be masculine.  The church is one of the biggest offenders, too.  The church today is raising a generation of males who don't know what true masculinity is.  We see more and more who are so detached from their own gender that they even physically manifest signs of effeminacy.  It's an interesting and disturbing phenomenon.  They are not self-sufficient, strong, or effective leaders.  They cower to the politically correct rather than standing with a rigid spine in the face of popular opposition.  In my mind, it's vivid evidence of the emasculation of the Christian man.  (Read Wild at Heart, by John Eldredge for a much more skillful exposition on this subject.)

We also live in a time in which it's politically correct, and even applauded, when women make blanket statements about the cluelessness, ineptitude, lack of moral character, and spinelessness of men.  Yet, if a man were to say anything negative about a woman, he is branded a sexist.  The pendulum has swung so far that it's considered socially acceptable to hold up a man to public ridicule based upon his gender.  And it's become a part of the fabric of daily communication, to the point that it's unnoticeable unless one listens with new ears.

I'm writing to try to give you new ears.

Posts like the very popular "We Need To Teach Our Daughters..." make negative assumptions about men in general.  Posts like "A Real Man..." does or doesn't do certain things are a backhanded insult against men in general because they only address half of the equation.  We rarely see posts instructing women to be ladies.  We rarely hear teachers or preachers applauding true femininity instead of feminism.  We regularly hear messages instructing men to adjust to women, but rarely the opposite.  These messages criticize men for their less emotional approach to life, their lack of verbal communication and their tendency to spend too much time and effort on their careers.  We rarely hear sermons on how women can follow a truly scriptural approach to femininity.  We rarely hear a sermon that tells a woman to "suck it up and think logically" or to "stop talking so much."  

One problem is that these flawed sermons are often preached by men.  These men seem so afraid of being labeled as a sexist that they feel the need to apologize for their gender rather than educate women on how to adequately interact with men.  Just a clue, pastors, men are not the only ones who need to adjust their approach to the opposite sex.  

This morning, in the wake of the Aurora, Colorado shooting, I read an article that sparked a thought I wanted to share.  The article spoke of three young men who sacrificed their lives by shielding their girlfriends from the gunfire.  These men selflessly placed themselves between the attacker and their loved-ones.  Each one of them saved a woman.  Each one of them died in the process.  These are heroes.  These are valiant men.  These men deserve to be remembered.  These men demonstrated manhood.

What if we shifted our approach a bit?  What if, instead of focusing on the negatives that some men display, we focused on things like heroism, faithfulness, honor and integrity?  What if, instead of saying we need to teach our daughters to act like spoiled princesses in a world in which men exist only to meet her needs and make her happy, we taught our daughters to prove themselves worthy of a man such as these three men?  What if we teach  men how to be men and women how to be women?  What if we taught men to be gentlemen and women to be ladies?  You know, those archaic terms that have all but lost all meaning?

How about teaching your daughters how to be the best they can be?  Teach them the biblical definition of womanhood.  Teach your sons the biblical description of manhood.  You know, man and woman were created to complement one another, not compete against each other.  We were created as parts of a puzzle that becomes complete when we marry.  Stop teaching your little girl to dress like an eight year old prostitute who is so desperate for male attention that she'll lower herself to appeal to the lowest common denominator. Stop teaching your daughter that she's the most important person on the planet and that she deserves a man who will bow to her and give her everything that she wants.  Teach her that true love is self-sacrificing.

Teach your children, male and female, how to love sacrificially.

Teach your boys how to treat a lady.

Teach your daughter how to be worthy of that treatment.

The Things We Say...

Recently, I became aware of a family who had announced to their friends and family that they were expecting a baby.  Such joyous news!  But then, right after announcing the pregnancy, they suffered a miscarriage.  The wife posted a heartfelt blog entry about it, explaining the situation and her deep sense of loss.

My heart breaks for this family.  I know the pain that comes with loss.

One of the things that fascinate me about social networking is how obvious it becomes that people are oblivious to what they read. People have responded to her blog post in some of the most insensitive ways.  It reminded me of some of the things people said to my family and me after my father was suddenly killed in an accident.

People often don't know what to say when someone has suffered a loss.  It can be awkward and uncomfortable.  Often, people parrot the same cliches they've heard all their lives.  These words are intended as a form of comfort, but usually add to the suffering.

So... as a public service to those who have been fortunate enough to have avoided suffering serious loss in their own lives, I have decided to bring to your attention certain phrases and statements that should be avoided if you find yourself speaking to the victim of such a tragedy.

1. He/She's in a better place.  Please don't say this.  To a person who has just lost a loved one, this phrase adds insult to injury.  The surviving members of the family are wounded, and wounded people are often incapable of thinking in the abstract.  The person to whom you are talking is trying to deal with deep personal pain.  They are trying to comprehend their loss and how in the world they are going to live their lives without their loved-one.  To say the deceased is in a better place comes across as calloused and insensitive.  They want their loved-one with them, and their emotional turmoil often prohibits them from grasping the simplistic truth you're trying to convey.
2. Everything happens for a reason.  Oh boy.  Explain to me how my father flipping over on a tractor and crushing himself to death in front of my mother could possibly be "for a reason."  Actually, don't.  Because if you try to do so while I'm in the midst of my unexpected grief, you'll be driving the dagger deeper into my heart and twisting.  Please don't be like the ignorant and seemingly heartless man who told me that my father had probably been killed so that I would move to Missouri and lead worship in a particular church.  There are no words for this kind of insensitivity.
3. In the case of a miscarriage:  You know, one in four pregnancies end in miscarriage.  That wounded parent doesn't care about statistics!  How about this for a statistic.  Everybody dies. Do you want me to say that to you when you've lost the person who is dearest in your life?  Would that be comforting?  No, that would make me a heartless beast.  Yes, death is common.  However, it is not common to the person suffering the loss.  Think.  Think.  Think.  "Even the fool, when he is silent, people will think he's wise."
4. Also in the case of a miscarriage:  You'll be good parents someday.  Really?  And what is stopping me from being a good parent today?  Oh, the death of my baby?  Yeah, maybe the reason my baby died is because I wouldn't be a good parent right now.  
5. You can try again later.  I don't know about you, but the last thing on my mind when Krystal and I had a miscarriage was, "hey, we can try again."  Seriously, this was not just a simple mishap to us, and it isn't to other parents, either.  This wasn't my favorite team losing the playoffs.  It was a baby dying.  Please recognize the importance of the event in the person's life.

If you notice some sense of hostility in my writing, you're right.  This topic touches a nerve with me.  As you know, I lost my father in a tragic accident.  When I was suffering from that, I realized how hollow and meaningless the things people say can be.  Krystal and I have also suffered the loss of a child through miscarriage.  Those wounds cut deep.  We, fortunately, hadn't announced the pregnancy to anyone--a fact that saved us the heartache of everyone we know trying to comfort us with canned responses.  Those who found out about it did, in fact, use some of the same phrases listed above.

There are those, though, who are exceptionally sensitive to a mourner's plight.  When my dad died, there was a young minister who came to sit with Mom.  He hugged her and sat with her silently.  He simply held her hand and sat silently, letting her know that he was there to support her in her time of loss.  This young man showed more wisdom than the hundreds who thought it necessary to fill the silence with hollow words.

My words may sound harsh.  If so, I apologize.  If they offend you, it's probably because you haven't experienced first hand the loss of a dear one.  Please take my words to heart.  The wisest comforters are those who sit silently, offering their presence as support, and not their words.