Never Forget, Never Surrender...

September 11, 2001.  I was living in Anchorage, Alaska at the time.  A couple of hours after I started work that morning, I received a phone call from my boss who asked if I'd heard what was going on.  I had no idea what she was talking about.  She said that planes had just crashed into the World Trade Center in New York City.  I immediately began to try to tune in a news broadcast on the stereo system we used in our little restaurant.  The only thing I could find that was discussing the event was NPR, so I began to listen as the horrible morning unfolded.

Within a very short period of time, customers began to come into the restaurant, ashen-faced and in shock that our nation had been attacked in such a brutal and senseless way.  Even though we were thousands of miles from Ground Zero, our sense of security had been shattered.

I arrived at home around four in the afternoon and, for the first time, saw television footage of the attacks and the aftermath.  I wept openly at the idea of the countless people who had obviously lost their lives and the countless more who had lost loved ones.  I watched the shock on the faces of the dust-covered people as they staggered through the streets.  There was no differentiation of ethnicity, no rich, no poor, just...grey.  Everyone was covered in grey.  We were made one in our grief, in our loss, in our shock.  Unified.

As should be expected, it wouldn't take long for people to politicize the event.  Fingers began pointing, talking heads began shouting at one another.  However, in the brief quiet of the aftermath, we were one.

We were a nation with the wind knocked out of us.  From 3,370 miles away, Alaskans felt unity with our countrymen in New York City.

A bold attack in the most visible of places:  New York City, the Pentagon, and a failed attempt at an attack on Washington, DC, had sucked the oxygen from the atmosphere, leaving us all gasping for breath.  Immediately, people all over the country started assessing the strategic importance of potential targets in their neighborhoods.  Would terrorists strike the Pipeline in Alaska?  How about the bridges in the San Francisco area?  No one knew, and we all held our collective breath for the next blow.

Over time, the United States has shifted her view from the tragedy of September 11.  We've lost our national anger.  We debate about the trivial and ignore the deadly.

It's been eleven years.  Our national memory--peppered with entertainment, vice, and silly politics--has become foggy.  We shrug our shoulders.  We forget the names of those who were lost and those who lost fathers, mothers, sons, and daughters.

My family and I will not forget.  We will continue to pray for those families.  We will continue to pray for and support our military.  We will continue to thank fire fighters, police officers, soldiers, sailors, marines, airmen and guardsmen for their service to the citizenry.  We will continue to be grateful that we live in the greatest nation on earth.  We will continue to thank God for our freedom, for it is He Who provides it.  We will continue to pray for our national leaders, whether we agree with them or not.

This country is worth fighting for.  It's worth dying for.  It's worth losing friends for.  Many get annoyed with the political nature of many of my posts.  I've given that a lot of thought.  While I do not wish that anyone would be displeased with me, this nation is worth every possible effort to save.  I cannot stand by silently and watch people tear her down.  I will not.  It was worth my father fighting for in Vietnam, and it's still worth fighting for.

So, if you're bored with the political nature of my posts, I do not apologize.  Perhaps you could take the time to research and study the facts.  Then, perhaps, you'll find within you the passion to spread the word to others who might be as uninformed as you once were.

Don't let the victims of September 11 slip into history unnoticed.  Keep the subject alive.  Look at the photos.  Watch the videos.  Educate yourself and your children on the facts.  This nation is worth that effort. Too many people have shed their blood for us to simply sit back and remain intellectually fat and lazy.  Wake up, America!

It's been a year now...

On a very hot August 20, 2011, I married an amazingly beautiful woman.  Krystal walked down a little gravel path to meet me in a lovely park in Springfield, Missouri.  The smile on her face was radiant and the lump in my throat was the size of a football.

Krystal and I had dated for four years prior to getting married.  We'd been through some wonderful times and some very difficult ones.  Most importantly, though, we had taken the time to get to know one another as dearest friends.  Krystal and I have personalities that compliment one another flawlessly.

It's hard for me to put into words the feeling I experienced as she appeared that day.  Her beautiful white dress, her amazing eyes, her flawless complexion... these things were obvious to everyone.  However, something deeper was striking me.  This wonderful young woman who has such a wonderful mind and heart had chosen to spend the rest of her life with me.  Me!  There are no words for that realization.  It was overwhelming.

We were gathered with a very small group of people who are very dear to us:  Pastor Tom Matrone of Central Assembly of God; Mike and Debbie Mills, some very dear friends; Marissa Mills; my mother and her fiance, Lowell Hicks; Krystal's son, Tiegen; and our photographer, Heather Fison.  It was a very simple and intimate wedding.  Just the way it was meant to be.

 Right there in the blazing August heat, we shared our vows with one another.  We laughed and celebrated our love for each other.  The setting was perfect.  Through all the planning and stress of outside pressures, we had made it to our big day.  Through the stormy turmoil of planning a large wedding, scrapping those plans and choosing to just elope, to changing the plans again to include these dear ones, we'd learned a lot about ourselves, each other, and our loved ones.  We came to the agreement that our wedding was a day for us.

Things could have gone much more smoothly in the lead-up to the big day, but in the end, we were consumed with happiness.  I'd married the woman of my dreams.  Of all the men she could have chosen, this amazingly pure, loving, intelligent, and beautiful woman had chosen me.  How could I not glow with happiness?

I remember how before anyone knew that we'd started dating, people kept asking me why there seemed to be a sudden spring in my step.  I'd chuckle and shrug my shoulders.  Who knew someone could bring such happiness to my life?

And now we face a future together.  We don't know what the future holds, but we know we'll be holding each other.  Every day I thank God for bringing Krystal into my life.  Every day I marvel at how much of a blessing she is to me.  Every day I am amazed that she chose me.

I love you, Krystal.  I always will.  The grace and beauty that everyone can see on the outside are just a hint of the amazing woman I've come to know beneath the surface.

I've always heard that every little girl grows up to be a woman, but it takes effort, class, and strength to be a lady.  Well, folks, I married a true lady.

Happy first anniversary, love.

RACIST! HOMOPHOBE! INTOLERANT! JUDGMENTAL!

We live in a society that has lost its grip on reality.  No longer are discussions based on facts, but on hyperbole.  People have given up their ability to debate philosophies and logic in favor of quick insults and sarcasm.

We live in a society where it's considered a more serious crime to murder someone who is of a different ethnic background, faith, or sexual preference than it would be to murder someone randomly.  We call it a "hate crime."

Now, I've faced hate in my life.  I've been on both ends of the hate spectrum.  I can sincerely say that I have never hated someone because of their ethnicity, economic status, or sexual preference.  When I've hated, it was in response to specific acts perpetrated against me or those for whom I hold great affection.  Thankfully, though, I've experienced the grace and mercy of God in my life and I no longer hate.

In today's society, though, mere disagreement is considered equivalent to hate.  Let's use a recent example from the realm of current events:

“I think we are inviting God’s judgment on our nation when we shake our fist at Him and say ‘we know better than you as to what constitutes a marriage’ and I pray God’s mercy on our generation that has such a prideful, arrogant attitude to think that we have the audacity to define what marriage is about.” – Dan Cathy, CEO of Chick-Fil-A

Dan Cathy, CEO of Chick-Fil-A voiced his personal religious belief.  It is a belief that coincides with traditional Christian beliefs.  In his quote, does he ever say that he hates homosexuals?  Does he ever say that they are less valuable as human beings?  Does he ever say he desires their destruction?

No.

He said that his business was founded on biblical principles, and that the traditional family dynamic is a part of that foundation.  He clearly shows his traditional Christian leanings in his statements.  But he never speaks hate.  He speaks his religious convictions, but he never speaks with hatred of someone who disagrees with him.

Yet, he's been called a bigot, a fascist (obviously by people who don't know the meaning of the word), a hate-monger, and many other things not suitable for a Christian to repeat.  Simply because he disagrees.

He disagrees with those who are constantly reminding us to be tolerant of opposing viewpoints.

And they've tried to destroy him. (Actually, it's very possible that the stress of this very public kerfuffle led directly to the sudden heart attack of Chick-Fil-A's Vice President of Public Relations, Don Perry.) 

Tolerant of them, isn't it?

I think back with a chuckle to the time I posted an image of Ronald Reagan online.  I was quickly referred to as a racist, even though I had made no comments, whatsoever, about anyone's ethnicity.  I had simply expressed my admiration for Ronald Reagan.  

If I quote a scripture that seems to convict someone of activities in which they choose to participate, I'm called judgmental.  

I find it fascinating that, in the absence of facts or a strong logical argument, many people resort to name-calling and insults.  We've become conditioned to fear certain labels more than anything else.  We fear being labeled a racist, a homophobe, intolerant, or judgmental.  It's really an interesting phenomenon.  

I googled "racism."  Now, if you use Wikipedia as your source for anything of substance, you need your head examined.  However, I found their opening paragraph interesting:

Racism is generally defined as actions, practices, or beliefs that reflect the racial worldview: the ideology that humans are divided into separate and exclusive biological entities called "races". This ideology entails the belief that members of a race share a set of characteristic traits, abilities, or qualities, that traits of personality, intellect, morality, and other cultural behavioral characteristics are inherited, and that this inheritance means that races can be ranked as innately superior or inferior to others.

 Dictionary.com similarly defines racism as:

1.  a belief or doctrine that inherent differences among the various human races  determine cultural or individual achievement, usually involving the idea that one's own race is superior and has the right to rule others.

2.  a policy, system of government, etc., based upon or fostering such a doctrine; discrimination.

3.  hatred or intolerance of another race  or other races. 

Let me take a moment to evaluate myself.  Do I believe that people of any ethnic background are innately superior or have a right to rule others?  No.  Do I believe that people of varying ethnic backgrounds are innately more or less intelligent, moral, or carry specific personality traits based solely on their ethnicity?  No.  Do I refuse to tolerate someone of a different ethnic background?  No.

I just posted a picture of a man I admired.  Guess I'm OK.

Do you realize that a phobia is defined as a persistent, irrational fear of a specific object, activity, or situation that leads to a compelling desire to avoid it? Notice that it doesn't say "a disagreement with a specific object, activity, or situation."  It says an "irrational fear."

I submit to you today that simply because I disagree with homosexuality does not make me homophobic.  I don't fear homosexuality.  I see it as the sin that the Bible says it is.  I have no fear of homosexual activity.  I disagree with it.  Therefore, the term "homophobe" is inaccurate and demonstrates the user's ignorance of the subject.

Is it hateful to disagree with someone?  No.  I don't hate homosexuals.  Their sinful choices are called an abomination in the sight of God, yet He extends His grace and mercy toward them.  God doesn't hate homosexuals, and neither do I.  I have acquaintances and relatives who live a homosexual lifestyle.  They know my stand on the issue, yet they will each--if they're honest--tell you that I have always treated them with respect and compassion.  Telling someone they are violating the tenets of scripture is not hateful, it's helpful.  We are called to "speak the Truth in love."  Telling someone that homosexual activity is sinful and destructive is no different than telling someone that using heroin is sinful and destructive.

Yet, in our morally relativistic society, disagreement equals hate.  

There is a segment of society that revels in using these terms as ammunition.  It's a form of emotional extortion, really.  They silence their opposition by threatening to brand them with a scarlet letter.  You disagree with President Obama?  You must be a racist!  You oppose homosexual marriage?  You're a homophobe!  You disagree with different lifestyles and philosophies?  You're an intolerant bigot!  You take the Bible literally and call Christians to live by that standard?  You're judgmental!

Probably the most quoted--wrongly--scripture by non-believers and followers of aberrant doctrines while calling themselves Christians is from Matthew 7:

1 “Judge not, that you be not judged. ² For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. ³ And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? ⁴ Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plank is in your own eye? ⁵ Hypocrite!  

The quoters of  this scripture use this to justify their claims that the "Bible thumper" is judgmental and intolerant.  They wag their finger in your face and warn you that you're treading dangerous ground when you point to scripture and say "this is what the Word says.  Here's how your behavior doesn't line up with that Word."  It's the spiritual version of "racist, bigot, homophobe, etc."

What these people nearly always do is omit the next part of verse five.

First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

You see, Jesus did not tell His followers to ignore the sin in the lives of those around them.  He did not tell us it is wrong to hold up the light of scripture and cast that light upon the actions of those who call themselves Christ Followers.  He said, "First, remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."

This insistence on throwing the "judge not" clause at people is simply a wicked heart's way of avoiding the light of Truth.  Can a person be judgmental?  Yes.  It's wrong.  Just as racism is wrong.  However, to hold up the Word of Truth to someone and point out how their behavior violates that Word is a service, not a judgment.

If it was wrong to call Christians to account for their behavior, then all of Paul's letters have no place in scripture.  Then Jesus was wrong for calling the religious leaders hypocrites.  Then it was pointless for the Bible to be written at all, since it is a book of instructions for our lives.  Throughout scripture we are instructed to judge our own behavior and, yes, that of others.  (Read 1 Timothy 3, where we are instructed on how to choose leaders in the church.  We are called to judge them according to their actions.)  How can it be wrong to do exactly what God has called us to do?  Is God schizophrenic? No.

To judge someone unjustly is wrong.  To write them off as a soul unworthy of being reached and unworthy of salvage is wrong.  To take someone who claims to follow Christ but lives in contradiction to His Word, show them that Word and call them to accountability for their actions is called discipleship.

We live in an "anything goes" society, and the church has adopted this same philosophy.  You can teach anything you want in most churches and be accepted.  Look at false teachers like Joyce Meyer, Benny Hinn,   Joel Osteen and other charlatans.  They have huge followings because they make their listeners feel good about themselves, but never call them to a true biblical holiness.  They're frauds, and will be held to some very high standards by God, Himself.  We have the IHOP movement and the Emergent Church movement that reduces God to a touchy-feely "big papa in the sky" rather than a Holy and Just God who expects His children to be Holy and Just.  These are dangerous movements and dangerous people who are destroying lives.  Their followers are deceived by their flashy shows and the emotional outpouring at their concerts and gatherings.

Well, "anything" does not go.  We simply need more followers of Christ to be more interested in what the Bible says than what they feel.  We need to stop looking at worship as an "experience" and look at it as service to our Creator.  We need to present ourselves a "living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God."  That means setting aside our selfish desires, styles, and practices and doing what He commands.

So, you can call me a racist because I don't approve of our current President.  You can call me a homophobe because I disagree with the sinful lifestyle of homosexuality.  You can call me intolerant because I believe in right and wrong.  You can even call me judgmental because I point to scripture and display ways in which a so-called Christian wanders from it.  Simple fact is, you'd be wrong on all counts.  These are merely inflammatory terms designed to silence your opposition, usually because your opposition is making a solid point and you have no ground upon which to stand.

The Truth will always prevail.  The Truth will always shine gloriously upon the ruins of the world's lies.   You cannot silence it.  You cannot intimidate it.  You should embrace it.  It will make you free.

On Being A Dad

I have two natural sons.  One born in 1994 and one in 1998.  These boys have grown into really impressive young men.  My oldest son has recently graduated high school.  He is preparing to leave for Air Force basic training where he'll begin a career serving our country.

My younger son is an accomplished drummer.  He's still in high school, where his people skills and personality are gaining him a lot of attention.  My sons are articulate, exceptionally smart, have great senses of humor, and are a lot of fun to be around.  I love these young men dearly.

My wife has a son who was born just before we started dating.  He is now five years old and he knows me as Daddy.  He's a talkative little guy whose dream is to be a superhero.  He says that his favorite superheroes are, in this order, the Incredible Hulk (because he has huge muscles), Jesus (because he's the strongest of them all), and me.  

My wife and I married last August.  She is a wonderful woman and a great mom.  She's done an amazing job with Tiegen, and we're very excited about the upcoming arrival of our daughter, Palin Nichole.  She should make her debut around November 13.

I recently got the opportunity to attend my oldest son's high school graduation.  It was the first time I'd seen Adam or Isaac in a very long time.  I'd like to be able to say that I had a major role in shaping these young men into the people they are today, but I can't.  I haven't been there for them as I should have.  Thinking of the time and distance between us tears my heart out.  I have longed for those boys every day since before they were born.  Being separated from them by an unpleasant divorce never altered that fact.  Anyone who is close to me knows that there are times when I would just withdraw into myself and sit in silence because I could think of nothing but my sons.  I'm so grateful for the opportunity to begin rebuilding the bridges that time and distance have eroded.  As I recently sat across a table from them in a restaurant, I see that these are fascinating young men who, even if I weren't their dad, I would want to get to know.  The depth of their thought processes and the warmth of their personalities move me.  There's a light inside them that draws people to them.

My high school reunion is this week, and I was asked to write a short autobiographical record of the past twenty-five years.  As I sat down at the computer and pondered where I've been and what I've done, the most vividly emotional moments were those spent with Adam, Isaac, and Tiegen.  Jobs I've had and places I've lived fade into nothingness next to the memories built with these three guys.  Going to a little northern Nevada county fair with Adam when he was very little, rolling down a grassy hill with Isaac in a park in Oregon, building a "fort" and a cannon for them in Alaska, and splashing in a little plastic pool with Tiegen on a hot summer day.  This is my highlight film.  I haven't always been the best dad.  I haven't been where I needed to be when I needed to be there.  But the love I have for my sons is beyond description.

In November, Palin Nichole Land will be born.  Once again I'll be blessed to carry one of my children with paternal pride and introduce her to the world.  Once again I'll get the joy of watching through new eyes of wonder as she discovers things we've long forgotten.  Once again I'll share the blessing of cuddling with my little one.  I long for that day, and fear it as well.

I don't deserve the blessings who call me Dad.  Adam, with his depth and compassion.  Isaac, with his humor and unnerving wisdom.  Tiegen, with his inquisitive mind and thoughtfulness.  And now, Palin, who won't call me anything for a while.  God has truly blessed me, and I am grateful beyond words.

"We Need To Teach Our Daughters..."

We've always heard that we live in a "male-dominated" society.  I suppose if you have an innate victim mentality that was, at one time, true.  Men held the highest paid jobs, and a hugely disparate percentage of the jobs in total.  Men had the purchasing power.  Men filled the governmental positions.

That was back in the early days of this country.  Largely, this started changing with World War I and World War II.  During those years, women were needed to fill the production positions left vacant by men who'd gone off to fight for their country.

Since then, women have slowly and steadily filled more and more positions in the workplace and in government.  In fact, some of the most powerful roles in our government are filled by women.  This is a day in which a woman who wants to achieve great things has all the opportunity she needs to do so.  We have a female Secretary of State, a female Surgeon General, Homeland Security Secretay, ninety Congressional posts, and the numbers are growing all the time.  Disparities in wages are often caused by faulty statistical schemes.  For example:  most surveys that claim a disparity in male/female incomes do not take into consideration maternity leave, the increased number of days off that women take as opposed to men, and so on.  

The fact is, we are all different.  We must be careful when we speak in generalities.  

One thing is obvious to the observant person:  over the past few decades, there has been a concerted effort in the media and in society to undermine masculinity in American society.  In almost every family portrayed in television or movies, the man is portrayed as clueless or tyrannical, or both.  The woman is always portrayed as the one with the common sense and intelligence.  Men are either the comical characters whose oafish blunders make us laugh uproariously at their expense, or as the morally depraved deviants whose inner corruption is rarely far from surfacing and destroying the poor female victim.

Don't take my word for it.  Look at what you watch and read with open eyes.  Pay attention to what you're putting into your mind.

It has seeped into every part of our lives.  Read your Facebook news feed.  Watch how many women post things like "We Need To Teach Our Daughters..." or "A Real Man..."

How often do you read "A Real Woman..." ?  

When I moved to Missouri, the church my mother attended had an adult Sunday School class for people my age.  They were running a series of videos by a famed Christian author whose specialty seems to be in relationship counseling.  Throughout that series, I observed something that had disturbed me for several years prior to that.  Whenever the speaker addressed the men, he instructed them to change their approach to make room for the more emotional way many women interpret the world.  When he addressed the women, he instructed them to "understand that men just don't get it."

We now live in a time in which it's almost considered a bad thing to be masculine.  The church is one of the biggest offenders, too.  The church today is raising a generation of males who don't know what true masculinity is.  We see more and more who are so detached from their own gender that they even physically manifest signs of effeminacy.  It's an interesting and disturbing phenomenon.  They are not self-sufficient, strong, or effective leaders.  They cower to the politically correct rather than standing with a rigid spine in the face of popular opposition.  In my mind, it's vivid evidence of the emasculation of the Christian man.  (Read Wild at Heart, by John Eldredge for a much more skillful exposition on this subject.)

We also live in a time in which it's politically correct, and even applauded, when women make blanket statements about the cluelessness, ineptitude, lack of moral character, and spinelessness of men.  Yet, if a man were to say anything negative about a woman, he is branded a sexist.  The pendulum has swung so far that it's considered socially acceptable to hold up a man to public ridicule based upon his gender.  And it's become a part of the fabric of daily communication, to the point that it's unnoticeable unless one listens with new ears.

I'm writing to try to give you new ears.

Posts like the very popular "We Need To Teach Our Daughters..." make negative assumptions about men in general.  Posts like "A Real Man..." does or doesn't do certain things are a backhanded insult against men in general because they only address half of the equation.  We rarely see posts instructing women to be ladies.  We rarely hear teachers or preachers applauding true femininity instead of feminism.  We regularly hear messages instructing men to adjust to women, but rarely the opposite.  These messages criticize men for their less emotional approach to life, their lack of verbal communication and their tendency to spend too much time and effort on their careers.  We rarely hear sermons on how women can follow a truly scriptural approach to femininity.  We rarely hear a sermon that tells a woman to "suck it up and think logically" or to "stop talking so much."  

One problem is that these flawed sermons are often preached by men.  These men seem so afraid of being labeled as a sexist that they feel the need to apologize for their gender rather than educate women on how to adequately interact with men.  Just a clue, pastors, men are not the only ones who need to adjust their approach to the opposite sex.  

This morning, in the wake of the Aurora, Colorado shooting, I read an article that sparked a thought I wanted to share.  The article spoke of three young men who sacrificed their lives by shielding their girlfriends from the gunfire.  These men selflessly placed themselves between the attacker and their loved-ones.  Each one of them saved a woman.  Each one of them died in the process.  These are heroes.  These are valiant men.  These men deserve to be remembered.  These men demonstrated manhood.

What if we shifted our approach a bit?  What if, instead of focusing on the negatives that some men display, we focused on things like heroism, faithfulness, honor and integrity?  What if, instead of saying we need to teach our daughters to act like spoiled princesses in a world in which men exist only to meet her needs and make her happy, we taught our daughters to prove themselves worthy of a man such as these three men?  What if we teach  men how to be men and women how to be women?  What if we taught men to be gentlemen and women to be ladies?  You know, those archaic terms that have all but lost all meaning?

How about teaching your daughters how to be the best they can be?  Teach them the biblical definition of womanhood.  Teach your sons the biblical description of manhood.  You know, man and woman were created to complement one another, not compete against each other.  We were created as parts of a puzzle that becomes complete when we marry.  Stop teaching your little girl to dress like an eight year old prostitute who is so desperate for male attention that she'll lower herself to appeal to the lowest common denominator. Stop teaching your daughter that she's the most important person on the planet and that she deserves a man who will bow to her and give her everything that she wants.  Teach her that true love is self-sacrificing.

Teach your children, male and female, how to love sacrificially.

Teach your boys how to treat a lady.

Teach your daughter how to be worthy of that treatment.

The Things We Say...

Recently, I became aware of a family who had announced to their friends and family that they were expecting a baby.  Such joyous news!  But then, right after announcing the pregnancy, they suffered a miscarriage.  The wife posted a heartfelt blog entry about it, explaining the situation and her deep sense of loss.

My heart breaks for this family.  I know the pain that comes with loss.

One of the things that fascinate me about social networking is how obvious it becomes that people are oblivious to what they read. People have responded to her blog post in some of the most insensitive ways.  It reminded me of some of the things people said to my family and me after my father was suddenly killed in an accident.

People often don't know what to say when someone has suffered a loss.  It can be awkward and uncomfortable.  Often, people parrot the same cliches they've heard all their lives.  These words are intended as a form of comfort, but usually add to the suffering.

So... as a public service to those who have been fortunate enough to have avoided suffering serious loss in their own lives, I have decided to bring to your attention certain phrases and statements that should be avoided if you find yourself speaking to the victim of such a tragedy.

1. He/She's in a better place.  Please don't say this.  To a person who has just lost a loved one, this phrase adds insult to injury.  The surviving members of the family are wounded, and wounded people are often incapable of thinking in the abstract.  The person to whom you are talking is trying to deal with deep personal pain.  They are trying to comprehend their loss and how in the world they are going to live their lives without their loved-one.  To say the deceased is in a better place comes across as calloused and insensitive.  They want their loved-one with them, and their emotional turmoil often prohibits them from grasping the simplistic truth you're trying to convey.
2. Everything happens for a reason.  Oh boy.  Explain to me how my father flipping over on a tractor and crushing himself to death in front of my mother could possibly be "for a reason."  Actually, don't.  Because if you try to do so while I'm in the midst of my unexpected grief, you'll be driving the dagger deeper into my heart and twisting.  Please don't be like the ignorant and seemingly heartless man who told me that my father had probably been killed so that I would move to Missouri and lead worship in a particular church.  There are no words for this kind of insensitivity.
3. In the case of a miscarriage:  You know, one in four pregnancies end in miscarriage.  That wounded parent doesn't care about statistics!  How about this for a statistic.  Everybody dies. Do you want me to say that to you when you've lost the person who is dearest in your life?  Would that be comforting?  No, that would make me a heartless beast.  Yes, death is common.  However, it is not common to the person suffering the loss.  Think.  Think.  Think.  "Even the fool, when he is silent, people will think he's wise."
4. Also in the case of a miscarriage:  You'll be good parents someday.  Really?  And what is stopping me from being a good parent today?  Oh, the death of my baby?  Yeah, maybe the reason my baby died is because I wouldn't be a good parent right now.  
5. You can try again later.  I don't know about you, but the last thing on my mind when Krystal and I had a miscarriage was, "hey, we can try again."  Seriously, this was not just a simple mishap to us, and it isn't to other parents, either.  This wasn't my favorite team losing the playoffs.  It was a baby dying.  Please recognize the importance of the event in the person's life.

If you notice some sense of hostility in my writing, you're right.  This topic touches a nerve with me.  As you know, I lost my father in a tragic accident.  When I was suffering from that, I realized how hollow and meaningless the things people say can be.  Krystal and I have also suffered the loss of a child through miscarriage.  Those wounds cut deep.  We, fortunately, hadn't announced the pregnancy to anyone--a fact that saved us the heartache of everyone we know trying to comfort us with canned responses.  Those who found out about it did, in fact, use some of the same phrases listed above.

There are those, though, who are exceptionally sensitive to a mourner's plight.  When my dad died, there was a young minister who came to sit with Mom.  He hugged her and sat with her silently.  He simply held her hand and sat silently, letting her know that he was there to support her in her time of loss.  This young man showed more wisdom than the hundreds who thought it necessary to fill the silence with hollow words.

My words may sound harsh.  If so, I apologize.  If they offend you, it's probably because you haven't experienced first hand the loss of a dear one.  Please take my words to heart.  The wisest comforters are those who sit silently, offering their presence as support, and not their words.

Road Trip: Day One... Well, almost...

Jumped out of bed this morning ready to take off for our trip to Reno, Nevada.  The excitement was coursing through our veins as we stacked our bags by the door.  Jumped in the car and headed to the airport to pick up the rental car that we reserved and paid for nearly three weeks ago.

"Oh, sir, since you're paying with a debit card, we have to run a credit check on you."

Wonderful.

"I'm sorry, sir, but your credit check was refused.  You can't rent a car with us."

WHAT??!!

"I paid for this rental nearly three weeks ago.  It's paid for.  I've spoken with customer service to confirm and re-confirm the terms of this trip.  At some point along the line, do you think someone could have informed me that I might be denied based on a credit check?"

"I'm sorry, sir.  That's just the policy."

"So, now that I've planned, budgeted, reserved, paid for, and bypassed all other alternative forms of travel for this trip... Now that I have to be in Reno, 1750 miles away, in two days, you tell me I'm denied.  I know it's not your fault, but don't you think that's a bad business practice?"

So we contacted multiple car rental agencies and found similar issues.  I know, let's take our car to the shop, see if we can fix what needs to be fixed, and take it to Reno.  The brakes are a bit spongy and there's a vacuum leak.  We drove our happy selves over to an auto mechanic's shop where we explained our situation.  They happily wrote our car up and wheeled it into the garage.

A little while later, a charming man came in and said, "Now, you know they can get started looking at it.  But they're gonna stop at noon and take an hour lunch, so you're gonna be stuck sitting here until after one o'clock." 

Wonderful.

So we sat there and watched as a large number of people sat around a table smoking cigarettes and eating, until we finally decided to walk down the street to Purple Burrito for some lunch (Pregnant women know how to tell you when they're hungry.).

When we got back, the gentleman to whom we had spoken gave us an estimate for the repairs.  OUCH!  The car needs a new master cylinder, front disks and pads.  $464.00.  Not an option today.

I called a friend who advised me to go to a mechanic he trusts very highly.  Howard was great.  He was professional, courteous, busy, and eager to help.  He and his technician tackled our car with all the gusto of a two-man pit crew, all the while answering endless phone calls and processing customers in and out.

He was short-handed, and was having to deal with angry customers who couldn't understand how their cars couldn't be finished immediately when they had gone to all the trouble of bringing them in first thing in the morning.  All the while, Howard was trying to explain why he couldn't fix an engine that had a three-inch hole in the side from a thrown rod to a family who spoke only what sounded like Chinese.  The sign language was entertaining, but I was focused on getting on the road.

Ah, Howard.  So observant and thorough.  So thorough, in fact, that he discovered why the first mechanic had quoted me $464.00.  Because he hadn't looked at the rear brakes!

Two blown brake cylinders and pads all around.  A new master cylinder and front discs.  The system needs to be flushed as well, but that's an afterthought.  So Howard, in his thoroughness, quotes me a price of $872.17, but then says he can give me a $50 coupon for the front and rear brakes, making it a hundred dollars less.

I like Howard.  I will go back to Howard.  I would recommend Howard's services.  I simply can't pay Howard today.

So, back to the house to rethink  our options.  I will not miss this graduation.  Last minute flights are astronomical, so that's out.  I'll figure this out.  Tomorrow I'll be blogging from somewhere around Albuquerque!

By the way:  Avis is NOT my friend.