A Letter to My Children

A few days ago I watched the reports of a young woman humiliating herself on television and it set my mind in motion.  As of the writing of this letter, I have one adult son who is in the military, one teenage son who is in high school, one six-year-old son in first grade, and one 9-month-old daughter who is just learning to walk and talk.  I'm proud of you all and love you more than my own life.  You are on my mind every day, even on those days when I don't seem to reach out to you the way I should.

I tried to choose an image from the singer's performance
that showed the inappropriateness, but was the least
crude in what it depicted.  This was the best I could
come up with.

After watching a video of this young pop star, I began to think about the condition of the world into which you will all one day find yourself released.  The moral codes, the political climate, the crime, the education, the economy... These are all things that concern a parent.  

I spoke to a young man with whom I work, and he made a statement that caught me off-guard for a moment.  In regards to the sexualized gyrations and skimpy clothing this young woman chose to display, he said, "Look, girls dress and act like that at clubs and bars all the time.  The only reason this is getting noticed is because there were cameras and media there."  It makes sense.  Her behavior didn't really shock young people.  It's us older people who are out of touch with the youth party culture who seem to be standing aghast at her antics.

Now, I spent some time in clubs.  But, that was years ago.  Things were a bit different then.  His comment made me realize just how far things have come since my earlier days.  

It's an age-old thing.  People who lack important life-nutrients always find ways of seeking those things out, even when they don't realize that's what they're doing.  Children raised without strong, loving, stable parents will find ways to seek acceptance that are often unhealthy.  It isn't a new phenomenon.  In this pop star's case, we see a girl who grew up with a semi-absentee father who (admittedly) wanted to be her friend rather than an authority figure.  She grew up lacking the leadership that comes from a healthy relationship with a father. 

Not only that, but this beautiful young girl grew up in an affluent family, surrounded by people who constantly told her how great she was.  It's the way Hollywood works.  We build people up to the point of ridiculousness, then we criticize their every move.  We celebrate their external aesthetic features rather than focusing on the inner qualities that make a person great.  It's a superficial, topsy-turvy process that leaves countless unprepared young people destroyed in its wake. 

You are my children.  You are my sons and my daughter.  I love you with every fiber of my being.  And because I love you, I have a few things to say.  I am not perfect, or always right, or the smartest man in the world.  I am not infallible.  Sometimes I blow it.  Sometimes I make a fool of myself.  However, here are some promises I make to you:

I'm not always going to tell you what you want to hear.  Though one of the greatest joys in my life is to see your smile, that joy is outweighed by the joy of seeing you make wise decisions.  Those wise decisions will cause you to experience long-term fulfillment and to have a solid reputation that will serve you well throughout your life.  So I might adamantly disagree with you.  Please understand that the starting point of any discussion we might have is I love you.  Those three words are the foundation of every conversation we have.  I would rather anger you by telling you the truth than to stand back and watch you walk headlong into an oncoming railroad train.  So, expect to be angry with me from time to time.  I promise, it's for your own good.

I promise you will never have to wonder if your father loves you.  I may not always be good at showing it, but I will do everything in my power to solidify the fact in your mind.  I would give up my life for you.  I want nothing more than to spend time with you and to see you live a happy life.  My entire existence is committed to helping you do better in this world than I have done.

I promise to always listen.  I know it might seem awkward to talk openly with your father.  I know your friends might not understand your ability and desire to unashamedly discuss things with your father, but I want you to know that you can.  I promise to let you say what's on your mind and heart, and actually think about things from your viewpoint before I respond.  I can guarantee it won't always be easy for me, but I will do it because what you have to say is important and does have validity.

I promise to not always let you have your way.  The old phrase "as long as you live under my roof" will be in full effect here.  You see, I bear a responsibility in the eyes of God to raise you to be godly adults.  Godly adults are not self-centered, materialistic, lazy, or disrespectful.  I've been all of those things at one point or another, but God has changed me.  My job is to model a godly attitude to my children and require godly behavior in my household.  

I promise to celebrate your achievements.  When you go above and beyond what is required of you, I will celebrate in ways that will be obvious and probably a little embarrassing. I won't throw a party every time you pass a class or every time you clean your room.  I will, however, make an absolute spectacle of myself when you demonstrate your skills, talent, fortitude, and passion.  People who are celebrated when they do their jobs rarely have an incentive to excel.  Not everybody who plays a sport is a winner.  Not everyone who shows up for work deserves a promotion.  It is when you put in extra effort and reach beyond the basic requirements of a situation that you can achieve greatness.  I will lavish you with praise when you do something honorable, difficult, selfless, or creative.  Do something that demonstrates the greatness within you.

I promise I'll always be there for you when things don't go your way.  Even when you've done what we all do, making dumb choices, I'll be there.  There is nothing you could possibly do that would stop me from loving you.  I will always stand ready to be a shoulder to cry on when your world crumbles.  I'm not just your dad when things are good.  I'm your dad.

I'm far from perfect.  I'm no superhero.  But I will move heaven and earth to be what you need in a father.

I want you to see that your value lies not in the performances you put on for other people, but in the character you display when no one is looking.  I want to show you that you don't have to lower yourself to others' standards in order to be accepted.  I want to teach you to be so connected to true love that you immediately recognize the myriad counterfeits the world will throw your way.  I want to point you to the Truth that comes from above rather than settling with the perceptions of man.

I love you and always will.

Dad

This I Believe

In an age in which seemingly vast numbers of people are confused about their beliefs or experience an ongoing evolution in their belief system based upon public whims and political correctness, I see a need to make clear statements and acknowledge the beliefs that form the foundation of my character.  Therefore, I will take this opportunity to publicly state where I stand on the most important issues in history.

I believe God created the heavens and the earth.  In His unfathomable brilliance, He fashioned the stars and the planets, the moons and the space within which they move.

I believe since God created space and time, He is bound by neither.  This is the concept of omnipresence, omniscience, and omnipotence.  He is the beginning and the end, and sees all from where He stands.  Therefore, no circumstance or event is beyond His ability to control.  He is never surprised or caught off-guard.

I believe God is sovereign.  Though in many cases He has revealed His reasoning to us in His word, He is not obligated to do so.  He has chosen to order the universe the way He sees fit.  That is His right and His prerogative.  He does not need to condescend to explain Himself to me.  Likewise, mere mortal mankind is foolish in its attempts to refashion God in its own image, for He cannot be contained in human understanding or will.

I believe mankind chose selfishness and disobedience rather than honor and holiness.  Through this choice, sin entered the human race.  Because of that sin, mankind now struggles under the self-chosen curse of sinfulness.

I believe God poured out His righteous wrath on the earth in the form of a flood, nearly wiping out life on the earth.  This was a holy cleansing in which God not only showed His anger but also His mercy.

I believe God made a covenant with Israel when He chose to send His Son to dwell among them.  This covenant has often been broken by Israel, but has been upheld by the great Creator as He has protected, prospered and defended His chosen people throughout the ages.

I believe God sent His Son to dwell among men.  He was miraculously fully God and fully Man.  He was the perfect example of love in action, mercy exercised, and grace personified.  He was the only person to live a sinless life.  Because of the conflict between His sinlessness and the scourge of sin that clings to mankind like a plague, He was rejected by men, arrested, and murdered.

I believe Jesus, God's Son, arose from the grave victorious over death.  In this act, He demonstrated His transcendence of the laws of nature.  He is, once again, not bound by space or time.  He is all-powerful and undefeatable.

I believe Jesus ascended to heaven, where He now abides with the Father.

I believe God sent the Holy Spirit as a Comforter, to guide and direct those who have committed themselves to Him.  The Holy Spirit is the third member of the Trinity, the three facets of the Personhood of God.

I believe mankind can have a personal relationship with Almighty God, through Jesus Christ.  That relationship is the ultimate reason for man's creation.  For, God desires that His creation should seek Him in love and worship.

I believe that maintaining a relationship with God requires devotion and commitment, that faith without works is dead and useless, and that our loving Father is willing to embrace imperfect humans who seek to honor Him in all they do.  He has given us the pathway to His embrace in His revealed Word.  Our task is to follow hard after Him by seeking to live by the precepts He has given us.

I believe that, just as selfishness and disobedience introduced sin into mankind, so selfishness and disobedience are the foundation upon which all sin is built.  This is why God revealed His commands to His people, starting with "You will have no other gods before Me."

I believe that a time is coming when Jesus will return to earth to catch away those who have embraced Him in this life, and that others who have ignored the message of Christ will be left behind.  Not everyone who calls himself a follower of Christ will be counted among the true believers.

I believe that God has given man the choice of his eternal destination, a literal heaven or a literal hell.  Heaven, a place where those who know and love God will spend eternity with Him, and hell, a place where those who have rejected God in favor of selfish pursuits and disobedience will spend eternity in the torment of separation from God.

I believe these things to be true.  Therefore, I believe it is my duty to share this knowledge and reach as many as possible, not because I am important or special, but because I'm indebted to my Creator for His many blessings and am filled with love for my fellow man.  I wish that all mankind would embrace the Truth of the Savior and reap the reward of eternal life with Him.

This is what I believe.  This is the message I deliver.  This is the passion of my heart.

Freezing the Tidal Wave...

If you're at all like me you're really plugged in.  You have a smartphone, a computer, maybe a tablet.  You listen to the news, you read.  There is a virtual tidal wave of information crashing against your cerebellum at any particular moment.  

A few minutes ago I was scrolling down my Facebook news feed, mindlessly scooping up tidbits of intellectual flotsam as I went.  Sheriff Joe's deputies responded to a call of an intruder shot by a homeowner. A high school friend wants to become a cat lady.  A former coworker has a bad rash.  You know, the typical Saturday morning Facebook feed (By the way, you might want to get a cream for that at the pharmacy.).  Then I picked up my phone and glanced at my Twitter account.  The Tweeps are active this morning.  The judge in the Zimmerman trial ruled out voice analysis of a 911 call. Django Unchained used the N word over 100 times and got an award while Paula Deen used it once over twenty years ago and got fired.  I checked my work email to find an update on the inventory process and a rousing encouragement to meet our store goals for the month.  I return a text message from my wife about the bank being closed on Saturday, and that Tuesday we should look into switching banks.

It's a tidal wave.  We live in an age in which we are flooded with a constant stream of facts and soundbites, gossip and memes, images and sounds that are supposed to make us feel more connected to one another than ever before.  However, Americans report being lonelier and more isolated than ever.  Why is that?

It's simple.  It's desensitization.  Just as I mindlessly rolled the wheel of my mouse and perused the treasure of Facebook entries on my news feed, we constantly absorb random bits of information about our surroundings and the people in our lives.  But the stuff that we absorb is just the cast-off, whimsical, non-threatening miscellany that does nothing but continue to deteriorate our attention spans. Squirrel!

Every technology that comes about to purportedly connect us to our world ends up creating more distance between us and the people and events that actually carry some importance in our lives.  We don't take the time to hand-write letters anymore.  Ain't nobody got time for that!  We can't carry on a face to face conversation because we keep getting interrupted by the incessant text messages that continually stir our ever present handsets to life.  We can't read a book, because it's usually done on a screen and there are so many tabs and distractions on the screen as well that we find it impossible to focus.  We think we know what's happening in the lives of those around us because of the pithy comments and status updates we see on our screens, but we fail to realize that behind those memes and pictures are people who are really struggling.

We've become a nation of momma's basement dwelling gamers who have no concept of reality, and it's simply because we're flooding our minds with miscellany and jumbled bits of randomness that our minds simply begin to go numb.  We shut down.  We lose focus.  We glaze over.  Focusing on something important  in our cluttered minds is often like searching a page from a Where's Waldo book.  The trivial crowds out the substantive facts.

We're more stressed than ever.  We're more tired than ever.  We're more distracted than ever.  We're more disconnected than ever.  And we do it to ourselves.  Our "down time" is spent surfing the web, watching television while checking our phones, tweeting and texting, and other forms of distraction.  A person can't even go to a movie theater without being distracted by the many cellphones that randomly light up when sending and receiving text messages.

So, what do we do about it?  We need to freeze the tidal wave.  We need to find solitude.  We need to study silence.  We sometimes simply need to unplug.  Jesus demonstrated this when, though the crowds were demanding His time and his disciples were always around, He "would withdraw to desolate places and pray [Luke 5:15-16]." (See also Mt. 14:23)

Sometimes we just need quiet.  We need to sit in the woods by ourselves.  We need to go for a long walk or a long drive.  We need to shut out the voices and simply listen.  Listen to the silence.  Experience the sounds of the birds in the trees as if it's the first time.  Hear the insects hopping among the blades of grass, the rustling of the leaves, the sound of your own heartbeat. Freeze the tidal wave of life's noise and ponder.  Get away from it all.  It'll completely change your outlook and mood.  It'll help you to refocus and rejuvenate.  

Try it.  You'll be better for it.  Your relationships will benefit.  Your emotions will benefit.  Your connection to God will benefit.

Freeze the tidal wave.

Just a Few Hours To Go...

Thirty year-old Lauren Rousseau was a permanent substitute teacher at Sandy Hook Elementary.  On December 14, 2012 she went to work like any other day.  Anyone who has ever worked with young children knows that the process of corralling youngsters is very similar to the job of herding cats.  This was Lauren's job, and she was hard at it that day.

Thirty-eight year-old Anthony Tempesta was a husband and father who worked as a bond broker for Cantor Fitzgerald in New York.  On September 11, 2001, he was working on the 105th floor of One World Trade Center.  It was his daughter's seventh birthday.  His wife had called him because their front door had been open when she awoke that morning.  He'd stayed on the phone with her while she'd checked the house for intruders.

Army Pfc. Michael Pearson was just twenty-two years old.  He had left a local furniture business job to join the military and have the opportunity to serve his country.  He was known for having a great sense of humor and loved "horsing around with his nieces and nephews."  He was at Fort Hood Army Base in Texas on November 5, 2009.

Lori Ann Lewis-Rivera was a wife and mother who was simply going about her daily activities, vacuuming out her minivan at a Shell station in Kensington, MD on October 3, 2002.  Life doesn't get more normal than that, right?  The mundane tasks of an ordinary day.  However, like those listed above her and like so many more, her time on earth was about to come to an end.

On Monday, two explosions rocked the finish-line area of the Boston Marathon.  Three died and scores were injured. Later, MITPD officer Sean Collier was murdered.  In West, TX, a fertilizer plant exploded killing fourteen and injuring nearly two hundred others.  An 8-month-old girl was killed and her mother badly injured when a driver hit a bus stop in a St. Louis suburb.

The people I've listed here were just like you and me.  They had families, lives, jobs and daily duties.  They had bills, stresses, successes and failures. They were imperfect yet beautiful creatures who were trying to do the best they could in the world.

If you're like me at all, your heart's desire is to give your children a better life than your own.  You work hard, whether in an office, a factory, or in your home.  You end your days tired from your daily activities and you get up in the morning to repeat the cycle.  You have bills that you sometimes have to struggle to pay.  You have stresses from employers, neighbors or family members that cause you to sometimes lose sleep.

Sound familiar?  It's a story as old as time.  We all have such circumstances and stresses.  We have people we love and who love us.  We have certain obligations that we spend a large amount of time trying to meet.  We have joys and we have struggles.  It's just part of being human.

The thing that struck me today, in the wake of this week's violence and mayhem was the suddenness of the events that took their lives.  These people--and the countless just like them--were simply going about their business.  Do you think they awoke on their fateful morning thinking that they had just a few hours to go?

Probably not.  And neither did I this morning when I left for work.  Neither did you when you started your day today.  And yet, today could be that day.  It can come by human hand, by illness, or by happenstance.  Life can be extinguished in an instant. James 4:14 says:  "Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes."

It sounds pretty ominous, doesn't it?  Yet, in another verse, scripture says: "So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

So, what's my point?  The Bible tells us how fleeting life is, yet we're not supposed to worry about it.  Interesting, and so counter-intuitive, right?  It's a piece of cake, actually.  

Yes, life is fleeting.  Yes, life can be snuffed out or radically changed in an unexpected instant.  And no, we are not to worry about it.  And... yes, it is possible!  You see, when you've given your life to Christ, committed your very existence and all your plans and ambitions to Him, the "peace of God, which passes all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:7)  When the Spirit of God thrives within you, there is no room for fear.  God is love and "perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." (1 John 4:18)

When you've given yourself to Christ, you recognize His sovereignty and His power.  He is then in charge of your well-being.  If He is sovereign in our lives, then we must choose to believe that He has the right to decide what comes our way.  That way we can live in that peace that passes understanding--that peace that, no matter what's going on around us, places its trust in our sovereign God.  That's true peace.  That's peace that doesn't rely on my strengths or weaknesses, but places trust in God, Who has no weaknesses!  

You can have this peace.  All you have to do is stop relying on yourself or others for your assurance.  Turn to God, Who is the Author and Finisher of our faith.

If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to contact me.  My email address is 2010.michaelland@gmail.com.  

Everything Changes...

I'm sitting on my couch with my five-year-old stepson.  He's watching A Dolphin's Tale on DVD, wearing his Avengers pajamas and holding his lavender bunny.  I'm watching my wife.  She's lying on the loveseat deeply engrossed in whatever is on her cellphone's screen... probably Pinterest or something.  (Insert imaginary photo here.  You know, the photo that I just secretly took but am terrified to post without her permission.) Yep, she just texted me a photo she found on Pinterest.

It's moments like this that burn themselves into my mind with the intensity of white-hot steel, leaving indelible memories like the marks my old wood-burner left on pieces of pine during my youth.  These are memories cemented to my soul by the strongest adhesive ever--emotion.

My beautiful wife and I are expecting a baby.  She was actually due five days ago.  

This has been a rough pregnancy, with multiple trips to the emergency room and not a small amount of stress.    For the past week my wife hasn't been able to move the left side of her face due to the sudden onset of Bell's Palsy, adding substantially to Krystal's discomfort and stress.

Tomorrow everything changes.  Tomorrow the doctor will induce Krystal.  We're not sure how we feel about the induction, but considering some of the difficulties Krystal has been facing, the doctor thinks it's a good idea.

So, tomorrow we will finally meet our little Palin Nichole face to face.  Tomorrow will be her birthday, and my heart swells with the possibilities.  We've talked to her, sung to her, rubbed her back (or whatever was protruding from Krystal's abdomen) and prayed for her.  We're thrilled that she'll be in our arms by this time tomorrow.

I think about her future.  I think of how she'll look and the smell of her hair.  I think about how she'll drool as she grows and begins to teethe.  I think of her school years and boys and high school dances.  I think about the gift I will give her on her wedding day and the heart-rending pain in my chest as I walk her down the aisle to give her to her husband.

I think about our little family unit, and how it will never quite be the same.  I think about that beautiful lady on the loveseat and this great little boy beside me.  I think about my sons in Nevada, Adam and Isaac and the bridges that are being rebuilt there.

Everything changes.  Tomorrow marks not only Palin's first breath of fresh air, her first glimpse of light, or the first time we get to touch her skin.  It marks a paradigm shift in our family structure.  Everything we've come to see as "the norm" changes tomorrow.  

And I welcome it.  

I welcome her.

Palin Nichole Land

The Cult of Juvenility in America

We recently endured a very long and arduous political campaign season.  Pundits pontificated, politicians polled and pandered, the media manipulated and voters vacillated.  The volume of news, non-news and outright falsehoods that saturated the airwaves and the internet was deafening.  People were passionate about their beliefs and more than willing to share them.  I know.  I was one of those people.

Being an observer of human nature, I was fascinated by the acidity with which many addressed one another. Insults flew, names were called, characters were assaulted, and intelligence was questioned.  I know.  I was one of those people as well.

I found myself easily angered by the obstinance of anyone whose views varied from mine.  Don't get me wrong, my views have not changed or softened in the slightest when it comes to the liberal vs. conservative debate.  My views are based on history, logic, evidence.  However, I also recognize that others have views about which they are just as passionate and to which they are just as committed.

Having listened to a lot of pundits and pontificators over the past few years, people on both sides of the political bird, I have heard one disturbing thing that was common among them.  Name-calling and immaturity.  

We on the right were outraged by Joe Biden's derisive laughter during the Vice Presidential Debate.  We were angered by Barack Obama's sarcastic vitriol during the Presidential Debates.  We become inflamed every time Harry Reid or Nancy Pelosi open their mouths.  Rightfully so.  However, do we have the moral high ground here?

"Obozo"

"Obummer"

"Idiot in Chief"

"BoBo the Clown"

"His O'liness"

"Osama Obama"

"Ovomit"

These are all things that I've heard conservatives say to refer to President Obama.  Many of these things were spoken by conservative talk show hosts, others posted on blogs and in articles.

I'm guilty, too.  I've been so frustrated and angry about the President's policies that I've condescended to name calling.  However, I was wrong to do so.  

What right do we have to be upset when someone whose opinions differ from ours insults someone we admire when we're spewing the same kind of ignorant bile in our conversations?

This is not how we win the next election.  This is not how we sway the opinions of others and convince them of the value of conservative ideals.  Shame on us for playing to the lowest common denominator and resorting to juvenile name-calling like fifth graders on a playground!  We have logic on our side.  We have history on our side.  How can we expect to win the all-important debates on economics, national security and public policy when we're acting this way?  This is what they do!  We don't have to talk this way to win.

Here's what we need to do.  We need to demonstrate logically and calmly how conservative philosophies, when put into action, benefit the listener.  We demonstrate, passionately but respectfully, how the logic of the left falls apart.  We draw the timeline, and show how it diverges from a workable or acceptable solution.

In short, we win by being different than our opponents, not mimicking them.  

We've become a nation of juveniles.  We've "dumbed down" our maturity level to the point that our forefathers would be mortified.  I propose that we live up to the intellectual and mature legacy they've left for us.  Let us elevate our speech, even if they will not.  Then, the contrast between us will be regained.

Daily Whim 11-04-2012

This is an unusual time in my life.  I'm sitting in my living room with The Pursuit of Happyness playing on the DVD player.  To my left, my mother is sitting in the brown faux-leather chair.  To my right, my wife sits on the love-seat eating a leftover piece of cake from yesterday's baby shower.  Against the wall is a table that holds a pile of gifts brought to the shower by friends and family.  Above our fireplace is a banner that says "Baby Shower" in bright colors and cute shapes.

Krystal's good friend, Mallory, is on her way over to hang out with Krystal for a bit. Tiegen is sitting on the couch next to me, eating a cookie and dropping crumbs on my shoulder.

In the midst of it all, I feel the need to write.

It's an interesting time.  Krystal's doctor has said that Krystal is dilating and her body is prepared to go into labor.  She could, literally, go into labor at any time.

A month ago, the Davis Cellular store I managed was acquired by a larger company called Z Wireless.  It came as a bit of a shock at first, but as time has gone by, I've come to realize that there are many more opportunities for me with Z Wireless.  It's growing rapidly, and opportunities for advancement come far more often.  As much as I loved working for Davis Cellular, I believe God has His hand in this.

So, here I sit:  pregnant wife on one side expecting to go into labor any moment, adjusting to a new work culture, wondering who is going to cover my store when I have to head to the hospital, preparing to vote in one of the most crucial elections in recent history, and desperately... desperately needing a day of solitude.

It isn't that I don't want to be around my family.  Not in the slightest.  It's that I simply need everything to pause for just one day while my brain tries to catch up.  There's a lot of jumbled thoughts bouncing around inside my skull -- thoughts about finances, about patriotism, about family dynamics -- thoughts about health, about the age of our car, about how five-year-old Tiegen is going to handle having a baby invading his life -- about ministry, about dreams, about what the next step is in the journey God has called me into -- about relatives, about lawn mowing, about coffee and how it's helped me survive this last freakishly fast month.  My mind is spinning.

A few months ago, I went to my oldest son's high school graduation.  He's eighteen and ready to launch his Air Force career.  My second son is fourteen and an amazing guy whose options in life are limitless.  I long so deeply to be close to them.  Tiegen, Krystal's five-year-old son, is an outstanding young man whose bright, cheerful personality and impressive intelligence make him a joy to be around.

But it's weird.  I have an eighteen-year-old son and am about to have a newborn daughter.  Wrap your mind around that for a moment.

Yesterday our house was loaded with people who came for the baby shower.  It was energetic and... well... crowded.  Everyone was very nice and gracious.  Everyone was happy and supportive, and there were no problems.  But it was a social environment for which I was not prepared.

This is one of those posts in which I become exceptionally transparent.  You see, I've been in front of people all my life.  I've preached, taught, sung, and acted.  I have no trepidation, whatsoever, about being in front of hundreds or even thousands of people.  I've sung on television.  The largest live audience in front of whom I've sung was around fourteen thousand.  No problem.

But, put me in a room with a bunch of people with whom I have to personally interact, and I break out in a cold sweat.  It's not fear.  It's dread.  There's a difference.  I don't like it.  I do almost anything I can to avoid it.

It really has very little to do with the people in the group.  It's something inside me.

I'm a man of solitude.  I have to have it.  I always have.

When I lived in Alaska and I felt this way, I had a wonderful outlet.  I would take a day off and drive to Eklutna Lake (pictured below).  I would rent a kayak and spend the day paddling around the serene waters and feeling the breeze.  On one side I'd see a moose meandering among the trees and on the other a fox, or sometimes a bear.  An eagle would screech overhead and fish would periodically splash in the water.  I'd paddle for a few hours and pull in to rest along the shore (in the event that there weren't any random wild creatures nearby).

When I was there, I was at peace.  I could go all day and never see another person.  There were no power boats.  There were no electronic devices.  There was no need for interaction.  I could think, sing, pray, hope, and dream.

Since I moved to Missouri at the end of 2005, I have not experienced that.  Not once.  I've tried.  When I was working as the minister of music at Morrisville Assembly, I took a week and went to Table Rock Lake, outside of Branson.  I borrowed a canoe because they don't know what a real kayak is around here.  (A real kayak, not one of those stubby little plastic ones that bob around the rivers and creeks and creates so much drag in the water that you have to work exceptionally hard just to get it to move.  I'm talking about the long, sleek, smooth kayaks that glide nearly effortlessly and gracefully, leaving a long, narrow V-shaped ripple on the quiet water's surface.)  I found a campsite right at the edge of the water.  I got in late in the evening and set up the tent.  Then I cooked some food over the fire and bedded down for the night.

In the morning, I awoke to what sounded like the pit area at a NASCAR race.  When I walked to the water's edge, I saw why.  I was camped across a small lagoon from a major boat dock.  People were working on their boats, revving their engines, using power tools, yelling over the noise of the engines, and otherwise reveling in the freedom to desecrate the silence and create oil slicks.

I shrugged my shoulders and dragged the canoe into the water.  I boarded and began to paddle.  I was on the water about ten minutes and I'd only been sworn at by two power boat drivers as they blew past me.  Both had felt the necessity of circling around, creating a huge swell that nearly capsized me, and stopping to mock my motorless transportation.  Then the clouds rolled in and a Southwest Missouri thunderstorm began.

I paddled back to the shore, turned the canoe upside down and crawled into the tent where I spent the next four days stubbornly refusing to go home despite the weather and the incessant dripping of the water into the inside of the tent.

I've been camping a couple of times since then, but never in solitude.

In solitude is self-analysis.  In solitude is growth.  In solitude is learning.  In solitude is peace.  In solitude is healing.

It's not about being away from the people I love.  It's about being alone with God.  In solitude I can speak out loud to Him.  In solitude I can be transparent.  In solitude I can let my guard down.  In solitude I can be free.